How to Answer Inappropriate Questions When You’re Pregnant

From the moment the stick reveals two lines, you begin to mentally prepare yourself for pregnancy and parenthood: from the ballooning belly to the unwelcome 3AM wake-up calls from the little one. However, nothing can prepare you for the inappropriate questions people may ask.  For example, we remember our boobs suddenly becoming everybody’s business, with one of our husband’s friends casually inquiring:

“So I assume you’re going to breastfeed.”

Um, what?

This dude may have been the first to ask about The State of Our Breasts, but he was far from the last.  So we thought we would drawn upon our experience to help arm you with comebacks to the sometimes ludicrous inquires with our handy-dandy Pregnancy Humor Guide™: How to Answer Inappropriate Questions When You’re Pregnant.

QUESTION: Are you breastfeeding?

ANSWER: Oh, no, thank you. I’m a vegetarian.

ALTERNATIVE:  You’ll find out when I send out my annual State of My Breasts report.

QUESTION: You’re going to get rid of your cat, right?

ANSWER:  No way!  He’s the only one who knows how to put the crib together.

QUESTION: Do you want a boy or a girl?

ANSWER: Yes.

QUESTION: How on earth can you raise children in the city?!

ANSWER: Like all other city parents have before us: by letting the kid play in the busy streets, making him grab a cab to pre-school, and hiring the homeless man in the park to be our manny. Duh.

QUESTION: You know you’re not supposed to drink soda, right?

ANSWER:  Really?  But then what am I supposed to mix my Jack Daniels with?

QUESTION: Was your baby planned?

ANSWER: No, the mailman told me he was fixed!

QUESTION: Did you conceive naturally?

ANSWER:  Yes, on the hood of your car.  Now that you mention it, could probably use a good wash.

QUESTION: Can I rub your belly?

ANSWER: Only if I can rub yours first.

QUESTION: How much weight have you gained?

ANSWER: Enough to make your life pretty miserable when I sit on you.