A Guide to Parenthood for Expectant Second-time Moms

“Ha, ha, kid — you’ll be lucky if you even get a birth announcement!”

There are endless books and blogs dedicated to explaining the ins-and-outs of parenthood to expectant moms. By the time women become pregnant with their second baby, however, they are all but forgotten — left to fend for themselves, armed with nothing but hand-me-downs from the first kid and a vague recollection of what sleepless nights with a newborn are like. So we at Pregnancy Humor thought we would jump in and help prepare expectant second-time moms for how parenthood may change for them with this guide:

Clean-Enough Pacifiers, Recycling Empty Baby Books & The New “Five-Hour Rule”: A Guide to Parenthood for Expectant Second-time Moms

1. BYE-BYE, MAGIC: When you announce your second pregnancy, as well as the birth of your second child, do not expect to receive as many Facebook “likes” from friends and family. Same goes for baby gifts, phone calls, well-wishing texts, re-Tweets and all-around interest. The novelty and magic that accompanied your firstborn is gone, my friend. Welcome to life with two kids.

Speaking of which:

2. Don’t forget to announce your second pregnancy and the birth of your second child.

3. COST SAVINGS: Sure, there are extra expenses that come with an additional child. But there are also many ways in which you will save money by being an experienced — and wiser — parent! When you eschew using Dreft in favor of spit-washing your baby’s clothes this time around, for example. Not to mention no more need to buy pacifier wipes. (Rubbing it on your shirt will do just fine.) Sesame Street will replace Mom and Baby Yoga classes. And you won’t feel compelled to buy vats of hand sanitizer this time — you will gladly hand off your baby to any germ-infested sucker willing to hold him, so that you can take a break and get something done for a change. Like spit-wash yesterday’s onesie.

4. MORE EFFICIENCY: Wipe warmers are a thing of the past once you realize your child WILL survive the touch of a room-temperature wipe on his butt. Not only can you skip ridiculous steps like this, along with hand-pureeing every morsel that goes in his mouth and, you know, bathing your offspring every day (that is SO first kid), but even taking time to pack the diaper bag becomes obsolete…

When you can just stuff a few diapers in your back pocket.

5. RECYCLING OPPORTUNITIES: The pages of Child #2’s baby book will likely look like this:

So, rather than telling yourself you’ll “get around to it someday,” you might as well resign yourself to the fact that you’re never going to have a chance to fill it out and recycle it as a fancy sketch pad for the kids.

6. THE NEW CULINARY NORMAL: With the first kid, you or your husband lovingly cooked gourmet meals, served to the child on his favorite Toy Story dinnerware. With the second kid…

…you will likely adhere to a “five-hour rule.” Bon appetit, kid!

7. IN SICKNESS…: Remember back in the day when you would call the pediatrician the second your baby coughed or sneezed? Yeah, well, now instead of reaching for the phone, you’ll be reaching for the other kid: “Here, sneeze on your sister. Might as well get this all over with at once!”

8. NURSING PRO: Forget breastfeeding your baby in dirty public restrooms — and having the little one JUMP every time a toilet is flushed — this time ’round. By the time you have your second child, you won’t have the time, energy or desire to hide and squat on a toilet while feeding your little one:

Photo courtesy of Luvs

Just order your chicken sandwich without missing a beat!