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Top 10 Worst Ways to Pass Time on Bed Rest

Belly Laughs

Top 10 Worst Ways to Pass Time on Bed Rest

pregnanct-woman-bedWhen I was pregnant with my son two years ago, a routine ultrasound revealed my cervix had inexplicably — and alarmingly — shortened.  Like, your cervix is supposed to be 3.0cm, but mine was 1.7 (say wha–?!), which I knew was bad when my doctor demanded I drive to the hospital “NOW!” and all of the nurses there flashed me pitying smiles.  It was totally overwhelming and completely unexpected, especially with a drama-free first pregnancy already under my belt.  The good news is that I didn’t have to spend my final two months in the hospital (and I ended up delivering a healthy, full-term, almost TEN-POUND baby boy), but the not-so-good news is that I had to spend almost eight weeks in bed.  EIGHT WEEKS of mind-numbing boredom, sadness that I couldn’t take care of my almost-two-year-old daughter and fear of preterm labor.  Yes, good times all around.  So to those of you who may be twiddling your thumbs in bed right now, all I can say is:  you do get through it.  I can also definitively share a few ways I do NOT recommend passing the time on bed rest:

10.  Googling “horrible, debilitating side effects of bed rest.”

9.  Googling “Is bed rest actually effective in preventing preterm labor?

8.  Googling “How bed rest can drive you insane.”

7.  Googling.  Period.

6.  Heeding your DVR’s advice that you should watch Holly’s World (oy).

5.  Sitting by the window with drool hanging out of your mouth and waving listlessly at the neighbors (on second thought, creeping out the neighbors may be one of my FAVORITE ways).

4.  Making fun of your husband, who now wields all power over your daily menu and, well, LIFE.  (One wisecrack about his pitiful March Madness brackets could mean the difference between being left with a turkey sub versus a celery stick for lunch.  *Gulp*)

3.  Counting the number of cracker crumbs your hungry toddler dropped in your bed over the weekend.  (What number comes after 999 quadrillion?  I don’t even know.)

2.  Listening to the frozen yogurt calling your name from downstairs:  “Candy!  Come gorge on me!  I am sweet and delicious and a welcome change from that celery stick your hubby left for you!”

1.  Calculating the number of hours you likely have left in bed (840 – 2,184 hours… darn you, Google!  Foiled again.).

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Candy Kirby is the founder and editor-in-chief of and a professional fun-maker. She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur. Be sure to follow Pregnancy Humor on Facebook ( and Twitter (

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